Boundaries: Because Even Your Phone Has a “Do Not Disturb” Button

Let’s talk about boundaries—you know, that thing you desperately need but feel weird enforcing, like saying no to plans when you’d rather stay home with your dog and a show you’ve already watched three times.

A lot of people think boundaries are harsh or selfish. In reality, good boundaries are more like a fence with a gate: people can still come in, but not at 2 a.m., uninvited, holding emotional chaos and a metaphorical suitcase.

Boundaries don’t mean:

• “I don’t love you.”They actually mean:

• “I love you and myself, and I’d like this relationship to stay healthy.”

What Boundaries Are (and Are Not)

Boundaries are not:

• A rejection

• A punishment

• You being “too sensitive”

• A sign that you don’t care

Boundaries are:

• A way of saying, “This is what I can and can’t do emotionally, mentally, or physically.”

• How you teach people to treat you

• A tool for protecting your energy, time, and mental health

• One of the main ingredients in sustainable, drama-light relationships

If your life feels like a group chat you never asked to be added to, there’s a good chance you need stronger boundaries.

Why Boundaries Matter (AKA Why You’re So Tired Without Them)

When you don’t have boundaries, you end up:

• Saying yes when you mean no

• Carrying other people’s emotions like it’s your full-time job

• Feeling resentful, drained, and strangely guilty all at the same time

When you DO have boundaries, you:

• Feel more grounded and less reactive

• Know what you’re available for—and what you’re not

• Experience less resentment because you’re no longer over-giving

• Show up as a healthier version of yourself in relationships

Boundaries don’t kill real connection—they protect it.

“If I Set a Boundary, They’ll Think I Don’t Love Them…”

Let’s clear this up:

Setting a boundary does not mean:

“I don’t love you.”

It means:

“I care about this relationship enough to make sure I don’t burn out, shut down, or blow up.”

You can love your mom and still not answer every single call immediately.You can love your partner and still need alone time.You can love your friends and still say, “I can’t talk about this right now.”

You’re allowed to:

• Protect your peace

• Ask for what you need

• Decide what you are and aren’t responsible for

Love without boundaries usually turns into resentment. Love with boundaries can actually breathe.

Boundaries with Family: The Advanced Level

Boundaries with family, especially parents, can feel like the emotional Olympics.

You might be working on things like:

• Not sharing your location 24/7

• Not answering invasive questions

• Ending conversations when they become critical, shaming, or overwhelming

• Saying, “I don’t want to talk about that topic,” and actually holding that line

When a parent has poor boundaries, it’s easy to absorb the message that you’re “mean,” “selfish,” or “ungrateful” for setting your own. You’re not.

You’re simply deciding:

“Your anxiety, criticism, or need for control doesn’t get to run my life.”

You can love your mom and decide not to hand her your emotional house keys.

How to Actually Set a Boundary (Without a 10-Minute Apology)

You don’t need a TED Talk. You need something simple.

A basic boundary formula:

1. Name what you need.

2. Say what you will or won’t do.

3. Hold the line. Even when it feels uncomfortable.

Some examples:

• “I’m not available to talk about this right now.”

• “I don’t share my location anymore. If you’re worried, you can call or text.”

• “I’m not comfortable with you speaking to me that way. If it continues, I’m going to end this conversation.”

• “I can’t take that on, but I hope you find the support you need.”

Notice what’s not there:

• Overexplaining

• Justifying

• Making yourself the villain

You’re allowed to simply need what you need.

“But They Get Upset When I Set Boundaries…”

Of course they do. They were very comfortable when you didn’t have any.

Their reaction doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong.

It might mean:

• They were used to having more access to you than is healthy

• They don’t yet have good boundaries themselves

• Change is uncomfortable (for everyone)

Healthy people will eventually adjust.Unhealthy people may guilt-trip, sulk, or escalate.

Your job is not to manage their feelings.Your job is to stay aligned with your values and your mental health.

Boundaries and Healthy Relationships

Boundaries are not just about saying no to what hurts you—they’re also about saying yes to what nourishes you.

In healthy relationships, boundaries sound like:

• “I need time alone to recharge.”

• “I’d love to see you, can we plan for another day?”

• “I want to keep some parts of my life private—and that’s about me, not you.”

• “I care about you, but I can’t be your only support person.”

Healthy partners, friends, and family will:

• Listen

• Adjust

• Ask questions

• Respect your limits

If someone only feels loved when you have no boundaries, that’s not love—that’s access.

You’re Not Mean. You’re Growing.

Here’s the truth:

• You’re not “too much” for having needs.

• You’re not “selfish” for wanting emotional space.

• You’re not “cold” for not answering every call or message immediately.

You’re learning how to be in relationship without abandoning yourself.

Boundaries are not a rejection of others.They are a commitment to yourself.

And when you feel more grounded, regulated, and respected, your relationships benefit too.

If You Need Support with Boundaries

If you’re reading this and thinking,

“Okay, but my situation is complicated…”

You’re not alone.

Boundaries can be especially hard if you:

• Grew up in a family with poor boundaries

• Are used to being the “responsible one” or emotional caretaker

• Feel guilty any time you’re not available

• Are trying to untangle from a stressful or enmeshed parent/partner/friend dynamic

Therapy can help you:

• Figure out what boundaries you actually need

• Practice what to say (and how to say it)

• Work through the guilt and anxiety that shows up

• Learn how to stay steady when other people push back

If you’d like support in setting healthy boundaries—without losing yourself or your relationships—I’d be honored to help.

👉 You can learn more or schedule a session at The Therapist LLC (click here), whether you’re in Arizona or living abroad and needing a familiar, grounded space to land.

You’re allowed to take up space.You’re allowed to have limits.You’re allowed to be loved and have boundaries.